Last week was my 38th birthday and the past couple weeks I have been distant, sad and just not myself. I smile and engage with surface emotions and joke around, but the burden of not being authentic gets too heavy to carry. I am present physically for events but mentally I am usually elsewhere. This causes conflicts with my loved ones so I write now to let these emotions out and release my mind of the negativity.
I’ve battled with my own illness and depression for so many years, I might be numb to a lot of my own pain.
Most recently though my dad has been struggling with a cancer diagnosis that this year has progressively gotten worse. The past two weeks have been extremely emotional for myself and my family as my dad has been moved to hospice care. Seeing my daddy wither down to a weakened version of himself and in excruciating pain was heartbreaking. I realized I was not always the best person to either of my parents and our time here on earth is not forever. So I have been trying to be as helpful as possible and spend more quality time with family. My partner bought me this beautiful custom cake with real flowers and we celebrated my birthday with our family.
My birthday wish is for us all to love each other like our Creator loves us. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. … Love never ends. 💜🖤💜
I am having trouble following this scripture with my younger sister, she feels she was wronged by me I’m guessing but rather than speak with me about it she has blocked me. If my dad had not requested for us to be able to get along, I honestly would write this off as a ‘disturbance to my peace’ and not make any further effort. I have reached out to her through others and am hopeful that the anger in her heart dissipates enough for her to speak to me.
Again, I vent here because it is therapeutic for me and not to appear as someone I am not. I am not perfect but I only hope others can say I am at least consistent in my efforts to continually grow and learn.
Side note: my dad is in much better spirits and I hope he remembers all the times he told me I’m a warrior and I can kick Lupus ass. I got that warrior spirit from you dad. Mom too. I love you guys.
#fckcancer #warriorfamily #lupuswarrior #cancerwarrior
Rosadela Durruthy is founder of She’s Got Lupus, a non profit organization aimed to improve the lives of those living with chronic illnesses by advocating for mental health, healthy living and raising awareness.