So throughout this whole pandemic I’ve continued to work at my job for so many reasons I made it make sense to me. I was unemployed for going on 3 years because I took a medical leave of absence and my job then fired me so I had a fear of, if I do that again the same thing would happen and I’d spiral back into a flare up and depression. I work for a health clinic so they take extra precautions, I’d be safe. I need the money.
I was doing pretty good, I just hit my 90 day mark and am off probationary period. When I first started my job was when COVID first started hitting the states pretty hard so I got all nervous and worried myself into shingles. Then I did have a scare a couple weeks back when my asthma flared up and I had a cough so bad I went to er and got tested for covid. All turned out ok, l have to keep reminding myself that I am not in control here on earth. This past Thursday a coworker who sits in front of me left work early after they did our temperature scans because she wasn’t feeling well. Then Friday afternoon our job sends out a company email to us “a coworker has tested positive for covid” and basically consult with a doctor if we have any concerns. 🤨 I emailed my manager back like what that mean, can you confirm if homegirl in front of me had it so I know if I should get checked cause she was coughing and I have lupus and live at home with my dad who just finished chemo treatments as my 98 year old grandfather. My manager did not confirm the information for me but said if I had any concerns to speak to my doctor. Which I did, I called my jobs hotline and spoke to an on call provider and they were supposed to put in an order for me to get covid testing. My second covid test in a month period. I would say in prior years my anxiety would cause me to shut down. I would start over thinking, mostly of all the bad “what-ifs”, and I would retract and isolate myself. So I had to take a day to use my tools and bring my anxiety down a notch. I was getting headaches so bad I got nauseous. Not because I was sick, but because I was so worried. I had to remind myself that I will be ok, God got me. I have literally been in physically worse where my body has shut down on me. So if anything I hope you read this and know it’s ok to be worried. We’re living through a shit show in America right now so it’s understandable. What I hope you take away though is to use your tools to calm yourself down, what ever that might be. Mediation, exercises, hiking, get outdoors, binge watch a Netflix series, bubble bath…whatever it is you do. Take some time to decompress and let that shit out. Don’t have to let it go, but let it out. It’s not healthy to hold all that inside yourself.
I’m still gonna go get tested tho.
Rosadela Durruthy is founder of She’s Got Lupus, a non profit organization aimed to improve the lives of those living with chronic illnesses by advocating for mental health, healthy living and raising awareness.